It’s really crowded in this head of mine

I had a super, terrible, bad week.  It was just one of those weeks that kicked me six ways to Sunday.  (I just looked up what that phrase meant, by the way, and it still doesn’t make sense, but it rolls off the tongue well.)  Regardless, there was much crying and gnashing of teeth.

I wanted to do this:

photo-41

This is what I felt I actually accomplished:

Home P2

I feel lucky that I realized my error.

In truth, I am sure that I was more and accomplished more than I actually feel like I did.  My problem is that I get caught up in my own head.   If it is possible to think too much, I do it.  Some thoughts are on a perpetual loop, playing over and over in my head; some thoughts are like boomerangs, they come in, fly around, then leave, and their trajectory is a little wild.  Some thoughts are like flocks of geese — they have their own seasonal pattern and can be counted on to show up on a recurring basis.  And some are like fire crackers — they are just popping off randomly — boom!  Boom, boom!  BOOM!  Boom, boom, boom!  BOOOOOOM!  It’s madness up there.

I have mentioned before that I have fought (and won) battles with depression in the past, involving some therapy.  During therapy I learned that some of my depression is caused by this conflagration of thoughts in my head.  I’ve tried lots of exercises to calm my mind, to strive for mindfulness, to concentrate on one thing.  It’s difficult, but it can be done.

That’s one reason why reading is so relaxing to me — I can turn my own thoughts off while I read.  It’s soothing.

Matt and I recently had a conversation that highlighted how differently we approached our surroundings:

me:  I’ve been thinking about finding another lawyer to do our wills.  I need to find someone to take Louie [my dog] if something happens to me.

Matt:  ok

me:  I talked to Mom and she said that she was sure that you would keep him if I died, but I know that you wouldn’t really want to.  And I don’t want you to be burdened and he shouldn’t be a burden to someone.  So I need to find a lawyer.

Matt:  this is what you have been thinking about?  Worrying about dying and what would happen with your dog if you did?  It must be hell being in your head.

me:  it is!  It is hell worrying about all this stuff.  Don’t you worry about stuff like this?

Matt:  no.

me:  well, what do you think about?

Matt:  kayaks.

I love that about Matt.  He helps keep me stable.  It would be awful around here if there were two of us all caught up in our heads.

Now, next week, I’m going to do some Epic Shit.  It’s a promise to myself and all my pesky thoughts.

No making sense of it

I have told many people that the biggest reason I write is because it is therapy for me.  Regardless of whether anyone read my blog or not, I would continue to write.  I do it for sanity.

And I need to write today more than ever.  The tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, is shocking. How do you hear the news that 20 children between the ages of 5 and 10 have been killed and not think that you have misheard or gone a little crazy?  How do you not sit down and do the thing that helps you feel sane again?

But I’m not feeling more sane.  I feel insanely sad.  My nieces and nephew are between those ages.  I could throw up just thinking about someone shooting them.

I was in a meeting from 9 AM until 2 PM today and I had little knowledge of anything going on outside the four walls of the room.  I left work a little early and walked outside into some beautiful, sunny weather.  I checked my Facebook and saw all these updates on “shootings” and “tragedy” and “sick about CT” and “I will hug my child tight”.  I turned on NPR and quickly learned about what happened.

It’s so disconcerting to juxtapose a beautiful, sunny Friday with a tragedy.  It felt surreal to be driving home, listening to the details.

I do not agree with the majority of President Obama’s policies, but I will applaud him for his news conference today.  He did a great job.  I found myself crying in the car.

I’m just furious at the shooter.  I want to call him evil.  I want to paint horns on him and automatically assume that he had no morals, no conscience, no soul.  And maybe he didn’t.  Right now, all my anger is at Adam Lanza.

He had to have mental issues.  Didn’t he?  Doesn’t there have to be some sort of underlying mental health disease that would trigger a person to do something so evil?  I so want to believe that acts this ugly can’t be committed otherwise.

I am not casting stones on people with mental health issues.  I’ve struggled with my own mental health problems in the past, fighting depression.  But I have never, ever, not once in my whole life had one thought about hurting another person.  And I thank God for that.

I did some intensive group therapy once and one of the women in my group did think of hurting others.  She also heard voices.  But I also knew her very violent and abusive background.  And she was trying to get help.  I had a lot of sympathy for her.  She hated having these thoughts.

I have no sympathy for Adam Lanza.  Is it because he actually acted on his thoughts?  Or because I didn’t know him and his story?

In the end, I don’t have to have sympathy for him.  I can have a world of anger and that’s ok.  But the anger at him still doesn’t help me make sense of this tragedy.

I do not believe that “it was just God’s plan”.  That is one of the most asinine statements.  I don’t believe that God enjoys seeing us suffer.  I believe that He wanted Adam to get help, to stop, to make the right choice — and what happened “was just Adam’s plan.”  Adam made it and Adam  carried it out (at least based on what little I know right now where the media is calling him the shooter).  I believe that God is crying with us.

This is mostly an incoherent rambling of thoughts, but in the end, my prayers are with the parents, children and people of Newtown, CT.  My prayers are also with every parent and child as they deal with the scariness of this story.  May you all get through this.

JOYful holidays

This picture perfectly illustrates how I have felt about the holidays for, oh, about the last 20 years.  I saw this image on Pinterest the other day and I laughed out loud because it is funny, but then I started to think about how much I related to the picture.

I grew up in Christmas tree farm country.  Lots of people make their living growing and selling Christmas trees, so they are not just a tradition that brighten and decorate the house once a year, they are a source of income and security for lots of families.

I dated and lived with a Christmas tree grower for many years during my 20s, so I was a “Christmas tree widow” for 10 years.  And you really do lose your loved one to the fields during the harvest season — only about 6 weeks to make the income for the whole 52 weeks of the year.  The pressure is high and the work days are long.

And in the end, you get a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  They weren’t quite as bad as the one pictured to the left, but we always got the left over, culled trees.  The good trees were sold, not saved for the house.

These years began my disenchantment with the holidays.    Even after the Christmas tree grower and I finally split the Christmas tree ornaments for good, I had little joy in the Christmas season.

I would turn the radio station when Christmas carols came on;  I stopped getting a Christmas tree; I hated shopping for Christmas presents because of the crowds.  The only thing that I liked about Christmas was the reason behind it:  Jesus’s birth.

This year, however, ring the bells!  Ding dong!  The witch is dead.  Or, sticking with the theme, Scrooge has seen all three ghosts and converted.  I am actually enjoying this holiday season.  I enjoyed decorating the Christmas tree.  I even put lights on a tree outside!  Yesterday, I went to Wal-Mart and found myself dancing in the aisles to the cheery Christmas music on the speakers.  I realized what I was doing when I noticed that one little boy kept standing at the end of whatever aisle I was in, watching me.  Once I realized what he was doing, I put some extra wiggle and kick into each aisle.  I figured the kid should get rewarded (or punished depending on his point of view) for stalking me in Wal-Mart.

The difference in this year and past years — this year I’m not depressed.  That bitch disease has been stealing Christmas from me — depression is The Grinch!

I’ve gotten my Christmas present early this year — I’m dancing in the aisles again (literally).  I hope your presents are as awesome as mine has been.

Elder grateful month — day 4 — God’s Plan

Day 4 of Elder Grateful Month and I still have so much for which to be grateful.  Today, however, I’m all about God’s Plan for me.

I was raised in a Christian house and have always known that God loves me.  The significance of that message really sunk in during my 30s, when I was battling an episode of clinical depression.  At a time when I felt like no one in the world could possibly like me, much less love me, the message of God’s agape love penetrated my mind and heart.

Old Graveyard — Ireland — Matt Elder

I believe that God has a plan for me and I try not to worry about the future.  It is so much easier said than done.  I’m not a fatalist or someone who believes in predestination above free will.  I believe that I can (and do) make bad choices.  But I do believe that if I submit myself to His plan, then He will lead me to make the choices that He wants.

I’m not a Bible scholar nor a theologist, so my belief system may seem simple to some.  Yet, I know that when I have felt most at peace in my life is when I am talking and listening the most to God.  That’s when I feel like I am following His plan.  When I have felt the most frazzled, disconnected, overwhelmed and out-of-sorts is when I have tried to do things on my own.  When I’ve tried to convince God that I knew what I was doing and He should just stand back and watch me handle it.  It never worked out well when I was trying to control everything.

My Life and God’s Plan — A Visual

Letting go, trying not to control everything, is one of the hardest things to do.  I think we humans are wired to try to control the environment around us.  It must be a survival skill.  It’s the moments when I have said, “I can’t do this, Lord.  I’m in over my head.  You gotta take this.” — those are the moments that have made me the strongest.  Seems backwards, huh?  All a part of His plan.

Let a little light shine on me

I have written in the past about having depression and this time of year is always hard for me.  This week my doctor told me to get a light box to help fight Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  Starting tomorrow, I must spend 30 minutes sitting, reading, getting ready for work, etc. in front of my light box, bathed in 10,000 lux of light (whatever the hell “lux” are).

I am hopeful that the normal winter blahs will not be as bad this year with the light box.  But as with most things like this, I always think about what they used to do “back in the day”.  You know, the day before there was a pill, a machine, an app, a super-dooper widget to help you with whatever the problem is.

I read somewhere once that if you could take a time machine back 200 or more years, one of the things that would be the most surprising and disorienting is just how dark the night is.  No light pollution–no street lights, no utility lights, car headlights, house lights, etc.  I have experienced a little of this when I have traveled out West, in some of the less populated areas.  Dark is dark.

What did people do when the sun went down and the nights lasted 12 hours or more?  Sleep from the exhaustion of the hard labor of the day?  Read by the dim light of the candle?  Pray for summer and longer days?

There are a lot of times that I wish that I had been born in a “less complicated time”, but then I really think about it and realize that God put me exactly in the time that I needed to be.

___________________________

On another note, Matt took this picture of a sign in Ireland.  I think it is excellent advice at all times, on a farm or at work.

Always be on the lookout for the bull

Love

“Love, hell.  That damn stuff stinks.” 

Quote by my Great-Aunt Dot Miller

When we lost our dog, Nick, I didn’t know if I would be able to ever (1) get over his loss or (2) welcome another dog into my life.

But as time passed, I really started to miss having a dog around.  Of course, I missed Nick specifically, but I also just missed having a little ball of love around, the noise of nails clicking on the floor, of having something that I could talk to, etc.  And as a couple of hard personal events took place earlier this year, including a big fight with depression, I really missed having a dog that I could just pet at the end of a hard day.

Matt wasn’t nearly as keen as I was on getting another dog.  In fact, he really just didn’t want one.

And marriage is about compromise and give and take.  I could never bring an animal into a house where Matt wasn’t full on board.  A dog totally changes your lifestyle.  It would have been wrong to ask him to change his life because I wanted a dog.

But Matt loves me and saw how often I would look at dog adoption sites.  And talk about dogs.  And draw dogs.  So, last week, Matt started looking at dogs for adoption and found the little cuties that we just adopted.

He not only found them, he encouraged me to meet Ray.  He told me that two dogs would be ok when we found out that Ray and Reynolds were dumped together and were best friends.  He kept reassuring me that he would welcome them with open arms.

As we now have dogs in our house for the first time in over a year, we also are dealing with potty accidents in the house and the smell of dog.  And we clean up pee with vinegar and water and look at each other and talk about what sweethearts these two little monsters are.

Yes, love, that damn stuff, does stink.  Right now, it smells like dog and vinegar and water.  And that’s the smell of a husband who understood exactly how important a four-legged little fur-ball was to me.

"My Dog" Movie Review

I just finished watching and crying over the sweetest documentary on Netflix.  The name of the documentary was My Dog: An Unconditional Love Story and was about just that — the love between a dog and its human.  (I hate to call us “owners” as we don’t really own a dog — we just get to love them and live in their space for a while.)

The documentary makers interviewed a lot of different celebrities about their dogs and asked them the question:  “Why do people love their dogs?”  And the stories proceeded from there.

I was so struck by how similar my thoughts and feelings about dogs were to these celebrities, people who live lives that are 180 degrees removed from the life that I live.  Yet, dogs seem to be one of the great equalizers, across geography, ethnicity, social strata and economic demographic.  Dogs are wonderful because they don’t care who their human is, what their human has succeeded or failed at that day, how much money their human makes, etc.  Dogs just want to be with us.  They are unconditional love in action.

copyright:  Matt Elder
Nick, the winter before he passed

I lost my soul mate dog, Nick, last year to prostate cancer.  I miss him everyday.  I miss saying good-bye to him every morning as he would follow me to the front door to watch me leave.  I miss seeing him run to say “hello” to me each day as I would come home.  I miss his presence.

In the documentary, Greg Louganis talks about how some of his HIV treatments made him really sick.  Some days, the only reason that he got out of bed was to take care of his dog.  I can totally relate.  I went through a really bad depression not long after I adopted Nick from a rescue shelter.  There were days where I spent the majority of the day in bed, and if it weren’t for Nick, the necessity to feed him, to let him out, to take care of him, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed at all.  And Nick seemed to know when he needed to put his head in my lap, and nudge me, as if to say, “Wanna talk?”  And I did.  I have told several people that Nick saved my life and I wasn’t exaggerating.

In the documentary, the crushing statistic is given that 6 to 8 million dogs are in shelters around the US (the movie was released in 2010, so it’s still fairly up-to-date), and nearly 50% of those dogs will be euthanized.  That was when I started to cry.

Let’s all go adopt a dog!  I don’t mean that we all collectively adopt one dog and share it, that wouldn’t really help, but each household go out and adopt one dog each.  And then spay or neuter it.  And then experience the uncomplicated love that comes from a dog.

I have to get Matt to agree to this plan for our house, but he doesn’t care about your house, so I’m really looking forward to hearing about all your new dogs!  Send me pictures.

Zombie Talk

Matt and I spent the weekend watching a Walking Dead marathon.  So, we’ve spent an enormous time talking about zombies.  Here are just a sample of some of our conversations this weekend.

Conversation #1

me:  I want you to just go ahead and kill me if the zombie apocalypse starts.  I don’t want to be alive for the post-apocalypse stuff.

Matt:  What?  You don’t think that you would have anything to offer the rest of the survivors?

me:  Are you kidding?  I would just be a whiny bitch.

Matt:  Come on.  You’d be able to contribute something.

me:  No, really.  My anti-depressant would run out and then I would just end up wanting to stay in bed all the time and there would be NO air conditioning and then I would really be a bitch.

Matt:  Yeah, that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Conversation #2

Matt:  I don’t think some of the stuff on the show is very realistic.

me:  Like what?

Matt:  Like the drug stuff.  Like they didn’t take all the drugs from the drug store at once.  When the zombie attack broke out, why didn’t they go to the drug store, and take all the drugs then?  Why would they keep going back to the drug store?  Get it all at once.

me:  True, but there would be stuff that you just know that you won’t use.  Like prenatal vitamins.

Matt:  Yeah, I could see that.

me:  And Viagra.  I would totally skip getting Viagra and Cialis.  I mean, I would be like, “I can’t have him distracted a whole weekend–we got the dead walking around.  He’s got to be concentrating on that.”

Matt:  Good point.

Conversation #3

me:  You know, that one woman on the show supposedly loved her sister sooooo much, but I don’t buy it.  I tell you right now, I love my sister so much that I wouldn’t even let her turn into a zombie before I shot her.

Matt:  That’s sweet.

me:  That’s what I should have written in her birthday card.

Matt:  It isn’t too late.

me:  Yeah it is.  Her birthday was weeks ago.

Matt:  Send her a postscript birthday card.  Tell her that you need to express how much you love her.  “Just wanted you to know that I love you so much that I would shoot you in the head before you could even turn into a zombie”  Happy postscript birthday.

me:  Love, Cristy.

Matt:  That’s love.  I think she would like it.

I think that the conversations above prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that what my mama used to tell me is untrue:  you CANNOT turn your brains to mush by watching TV all the time.  We actually spent the whole weekend watching shows about mushy brains and we are still able to have these well-thought-out, highly articulated conversations.  Mama, you’re forgiven.

The Value of a Good Cry

We don’t watch a lot of TV in our house.  For one thing, there always seems to be other things that need to be tackled.  For another, we’re in the middle of remodeling our house, and we are currently living in only 1/2 the house.  That means the bed is in the living room, and when one person wants to watch TV is about the same time that the other person wants to rest or read.  I would watch more TV, but Matt doesn’t like all the noise, so the invention of the DVR was ideal for me.  It makes it easy for me to record my shows and watch them when Matt is outside or at work or just generally not in the house.
One of my favorite shows is Grey’s Anatomy.  I like the dialogue and the characters.  And I’m almost always guaranteed a good cry.

Normally, I’m a very even-tempered person.  Matt has accused me of being too even-tempered.  He said once that if he came into the house and announced that he won the lottery or that he ran the car through the garage door, my reaction would be the same:  “That’s nice, honey.”  I don’t think that I’m that even-tempered (I would get excited about the lottery), but I would be the first to admit that most things roll off of me very easily.

I am a true believer in the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.  I have toughed it out through issues and crises and emotional upheavals that I wouldn’t have expected myself to make it through.  Some of my hardest battles have been in my fight against clinical depression.  I have felt like King David in Psalms, wondering

How long, O LORD will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
Psalm 13:1-2

With help of family, friends and professionals, however, I have been able to see my way out of each of my episodes of depression (Thank You, God).  I can recognize the warning signs of an episode and seek out proactive help before it gets any worse.  God has been good (and obviously never forgot me).

One of the interesting side effects of my therapy for depression is that now I rarely cry (I think that it is the medication).  I get sad, sometimes have the blues, but crying is an uncommon event.  Matt can probably count on both hands how many times he has seen me cry since we have known each other.

While I am glad that I don’t cry all the time, or at the drop of a hat, I had feared that I had become so cynical or hard that I was unable to cry.  That is why I so appreciate the cry I get each week watching Grey’s Anatomy.  It reminds me that I have the capability to be empathetic, sympathetic, and vulnerable.  I am reminded that (even though scripted and sometimes hokie) there are people out there struggling with their own sets of problems, and somehow surviving through what may seem unendurable.  Somehow, those five or so minutes a week that I silently cry is cathartic.  I usually feel better during the closing credits than I did when I sat down.

Am I weird?  Maybe.  Could I find a better way to let go of some pent up emotion?  Probably.  But for right now, I am grateful for some small things, including that God has helped me fight my war with depression, and yet I still have the ability to have a good cry on a regular basis.  I feel like I got my cake and I’m eating it, too.

My Favorite Couch

Today has been another Saturday completing tasks necessary to sell my house. If I were an overly analytical person, I would question how long it is taking to even get my house on the market; one might think that Matt is not chomping at the bit to have us living in one house. Yet, we are slowly making progress.

After painting the trim work in the bathroom earlier today, I took a break on the couch to watch a movie. I hate this couch. I have told Matt on many occasions that we can leave this couch behind when we move to his house. You can’t take a good nap on it, two people can not lie down on it very comfortably, it is not somewhere you can sit for a few hours and watch TV without getting a crick in your neck or, in my case, a headache.

Not so my favorite couch. My favorite couch has been a part of my life since I was born. It is a traditional couch, three cushions, low arms, with a skirt. My parents bought it and a matching chair and ottoman for their living room before I was born. I remember what it originally looked like: white (or cream) with large yellow flowers (it was the seventies). When they built our house in the mountains, the living room had beautiful yellow carpet to highlight the yellow flowers on the upholstery.

About the time that I was eleven or twelve, we got new furniture for the living room. We were all very excited as new furniture was very unusual in our house since money was so tight. Mama was “green” before it was a concept and had our yellow floral furniture reupholstered to use in the den, recycling it for continued use. Now, instead of yellow flowers, it was much more conservative, upholstered in a dark blue fabric, that was so soft to the touch, but still durable.

Now in the den, the couch that once was used so rarely (as living room furniture often is) was used daily. Suddenly, we discovered what a gem of a couch we owned. It was long–Tom could stretch out comfortably on it, without feeling cramped. It was wide–Ashleigh and I could both lie on it, heads at opposite ends, without deteriorating into the inevitable “She’s touching me!” arguments. It was comfortable–the back of the couch was supportive, without being too soft or too firm. We loved our couch!

As the years passed, the couch became so much more than a place to sit. Ashleigh spent a lot of time there while healing from surgery to her knee. We both spent time on that couch, sitting next to this or that young man, trying to be cool in front of Mama, watching a movie on the VCR. Saturday nights for years were spent on that couch watching “Saturday Night Live” with our cousins, JJ, Wendi and Matt, as well as friends. After the prom, everyone came back to our house, and we all gathered in the den (20 to 30 of us), watching movies, eating, and laughing all night long. One of my favorite pictures from this era is a picture of me and my prom date sitting on that couch looking at our year book. Some of my most in-depth and important talks with my mama took place on that couch, with my head in her lap.

Not all of my memories of MFC (my favorite couch) are happy ones. When my first real boyfriend broke up with me during my junior year of high school, I spent way too many hours on the couch crying, in what my mama dubbed “the fetal position.” I would assume that position many more times in the future as, during my 20s, I dated someone for 10 years (my Starter Relationship). As we broke up time and again over those 10 years, MFC became my refuge. I could lose myself in a movie, in a book, or simply in thought. Or I would curl into the fetal position.

I know that MFC is also my mama’s favorite couch, as well. She spent a lot of time on that couch, never in the fetal position, but working through her own dreams, ideas, issues, etc. And sometimes she was just working. She worked from home her last several years of outside employment, and MFC was her favorite place from which to work. She tells a story of working all day on the couch, and at 5 p.m., she put away her work and began to clean house. As she vacuumed, she lifted the cushions on MFC, and as she lifted the cushion on which she had been sitting all day, a squirrel flew out and ran out of the room. She had been sitting on the squirrel all day and did not know it. I am quite sure that they don’t make couches like that anymore.

When I got my first apartment, Mama sent MFC with me. When I bought my first house, it came with me. As I struggled with depression as an adult, there were times when MFC continued to support me as I found that there were days that the only place that I found relief was on that couch.

A couple of years ago, I was finally able and ready to pass MFC on to someone else. Even though the couch was at the time nearly 38 years old, structurally, it was still better built than most brand new couches. Mama and my stepfather, Jim, came and picked up the couch to deliver to one of my cousins. As we loaded it, Mama and I commeted on the fact that it was the best couch ever.

In retrospect, I can see that my timing in letting the couch go coincides with the time in my life where I became the most mentally healthy that I had ever been. So, maybe it is good that I don’t have MFC; I don’t have the option to ball into the fetal position anymore. I have learned to deal with my stresses and problems in much more effective ways. I still miss MFC, though.

And I still hate the couch I have now.