Category Archives: Humor

My dreams are paying me back for being mean to rodents

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I just spent the majority of the last 24 hours in bed with a migraine.  It sucks but is a fact of life for me.  Right now, I feel fine but weak.  Knock wood, this one is gone.

I had one crazy dream while I was asleep.  I am a vivid dreamer.  Sometimes I dream these really complex story lines.  I wake up and think, “Wow, if I could just write that down, I would make a million dollars from being an author.”  Sometimes, I compose music in my dreams.  It is always really beautiful to me.  For the first 10 minutes or so after I wake up, I can usually remember it, but then it is gone.  The 99% of my brain that I am not using is f’ing brilliant, people.  The 1% that I am using–meh.  So-so.

This afternoon, I dreamed that Matt and I went to this party.  It was what I would describe as “New Age-y”, if I ever got invited to a New Age party.  The hostess broke us up into teams and we played word games and such.  It was not a mix-n-mingle party.

The hostess, in my dream, had 5 pet squirrels.  When we finally broke for snacks, the 5 squirrels attacked me.  I learned (via my dream) that I can not protect my face from 5 squirrels.  Four squirrels, yes; but I am overwhelmed by five.

I never had an unhealthy dislike (or fear, it would seem) of squirrels until I met Matt.  He detests squirrels.  Hates them.  Tries to run over them with his car and laughs with glee when he is successful.  He deemed our wedding day a “lucky day” because they hit a squirrel on their way to the church.

I sent him this picture once that I found on the internets and it may be his favorite:

Another one bites the dust.

Now, my subconscious is paying me back by sending me dreams of squirrels attacking my face.  *sigh*  It’s true–no snarky deed goes unpunished.

______________________________

On a different note, I’ve been working on our Christmas card for this year.  I showed it to Matt tonight for his thoughts and we changed a few things around.  I dumped it into the cart for checkout and then had a reality check when I saw the final bill.

I love my friends and family, but I really don’t need to spend that much money so that you can get a Christmas card from me with our picture on it.  Do I?  I don’t think so…so, you’ll be getting regular, non-photo-ID Christmas cards from me.  Maybe with a picture of Jesus on them, instead.

Here’s a screen shot of what the card would have looked like so you don’t feel like it’s a total bag of coal Christmas.

Merry Christmas from the Elders (seems a little ridiculous to also sign)

Cross-country chronicles

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As a lifetime resident of the same state, I just spent my second Thanksgiving away from home.  The first time was during my semester abroad when I had a good excuse for not flying home for Thanksgiving.  This year, Matt and I decided to fly across country to visit my sister and her family.

I have only heard tales, urban legends, about holiday travel.  The lines, the delays, the crowds, oh my.  It wasn’t that bad, but I am very grateful that we got to see my sister and her family with relatively minor incidents.  Some, though, are just worth repeating.

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Scene:  Flight from Charlotte to Salt Lake City; 7:30AM

I am reading my SkyMall magazine, doing what I always do–wondering if people actually order things from the SkyMall magazine, like the $300 Star Wars chess set.

Matt:  They are taking us back to the terminal because there is a medical emergency on board.

me:  Really?  What’s going on?

Matt:  See the guy two rows behind us?  He’s unresponsive.

Flight attendants are standing around the guy, asking him, “Sir, sir!  Can you hear me?”  The guy said something that I couldn’t hear, but then I heard the attendant say, “How much did you have to drink?”  It became clear that the guy was just stinking-ass drunk.

Drunk guy:  I need to get to Seattle.  I’m going to Seattle.

Attendant:  No, we’re taking you back.  You shouldn’t be on a long flight.

We waited and waited to go back to the terminal.  Then they had to pull us to a gate and people with a wheelchair came on board to get the Drunk guy.

Attendant:  Sir!  Sir!  Can you hear us?  We need to get you off the plane.

Drunk guy:  Where are we?

Attendant:  We’re in Salt Lake City.  You took quite a nap.

Drunk guy:  I gotta get to Seattle.

Captain (of the plane, y’all):  No, you gotta get off this plane.  (You could almost hear the ominous music).

Attendant:  Come on sir!  (Pulling him up.)

Drunk guy:  DON’T touch me!  I’ll go with you, but don’t touch me.

It was the Perfect response.  Have you ever noticed when someone is drunk and someone gets too close to them (in a non-sexual way), everyone always pulls out the “Don’t touch me!” line?  Like, “hey, everyone….I’m being all reasonable and stuff and it’s this asshole who is touching me that is crossing the line.”

After they got the Drunk guy off the plane, they had to put more fuel in the plane because turning back to the terminal used so much fuel that we might not have made it to Salt Lake City.  Wha?  Isn’t that cutting it a bit close?  I could have totally lived the rest of my life without that bit of information.

_______________________________

On my flight from Salt Lake City to Seattle, I sat beside an extremely gawky and large 12-year boy.  He picked his nose a lot.  Matt asked me what he did with his “findings” — I had to admit that I didn’t know because I was trying to avoid looking.  I hope that he wasn’t flicking them my way.

Then the little girl sitting behind me threw up.  A couple of times.  It was righteous.

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It was very wet in Seattle.  A lot of rain.  Did you know that they just voted to legalize marijuana?  But I still had to go to the pharmacy to get my Advil Cold and Sinus with pseudoephedrine.

I’m a fickle dog person.  Ashleigh and Dan have a French bulldog, Lola, and she was a sweetie pie.  So, now I want a Frenchie.  A bulldog, people.  I’m too tired to be thinking about anything else.

Lola, the Showgirl

Second Chances – Day 11

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Today, I am grateful for second chances.  If some people had not given me a second chance, they would not be in my life now.  And vice versa.

What more can you say about second chances?  You really can’t, so I’m going to move on to another topic.

I’m having such a difficult time sleeping recently.  I have recently had a change in medication and I’m blaming that.  The result is that I am as exhausted as I have ever been.  I am so tired that I have actually become stupid.

I noticed it yesterday while I was getting my hair cut.  As the stylist was cutting my hair and trying to talk to me, I was having a hard time concentrating enough to come up with an answer to her questions.  A typical sentence would go something like this, “Matt bought a dirt bike [long pause] sometime this year and he wrecked it and he got hurt.  It was bad.”  This was in reply to the question, “Have you done anything fun lately.”

I’ve never been stupid.  I feel like I’m inhabiting someone else’s body.  Or really that my brain has been replaced with someone else’s brain.  Maybe I’ll try what George Costanza did in an episode of Seinfeld — if I give up sex, I’ll get smart.

This is a pretty lame blog.  I hope you will give me a second chance after I get smart again.

Elder grateful month — day 5 — Sleep

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Day 5 of Elder Grateful Month and there’s no slowing me down.  I’ve still got plenty for which to be grateful….and today, I’m grateful for sleep.

Sleep, catching some zzzz’s, hitting the sack, sawing some wood — whatever you call it, you gotta have it.

Source: http://newswatch.nationalgeographic.com/files/2009/09/picture-of-sleep-6.jpg

Did you know that chronic sleep deprivation can increase your risk of:

  1. heart disease
  2. heart attack
  3. stroke
  4. diabetes
  5. high blood pressure

And it dumbs you down.  Makes it harder for you to concentrate.  And causes, ummm, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, 100,000 traffic accidents a year are caused by sleepiness.

In fact, I would be grateful for more sleep.  I have suffered from chronic insomnia for about 10 years now.  I was such a champion sleeper before I hit my mid-30s, too, that becoming a sleep-challenged person was a shock. I used to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime.

These days, I take sleeping pills and melatonin and wear a CPAP for sleep apnea.  I find myself talking about the pros and cons of different sleeping pills with people — I am firmly entrenched in middle-age.  I am so Team Jacob, but would become Team Edward solely to eliminate the need to sleep.

When I have a good’s night sleep, I feel like a MILLION BUCKS!  Those are the days where I sparkle (like Edward), I am a warrior woman, I can take on the world.  So, I am so grateful for sleep, and if you’re listening, Mr. Sleep, I miss you.  Come visit more often.

Second annual “official” Elder grateful month

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Today starts the 2nd Annual Elder Grateful Month. Every day, I will list one thing for which I am grateful. Brought to you with $0 funding.

I did this last year on my Tumblr blog (which was the first “official” Elder Grateful month), but I’ve tried to do it before via Facebook. I also use the Gratitude app on my iPhone everyday (not just Elder Grateful month) in an effort to be more diligent in recognizing all that I have instead of focusing on what I don’t have.

Winners in past years have included: Imitrex migraine medicine, library cards, Aretha Franklin, my husband and grocery stores. The list is varied.

To start the 2012 Elder Grateful Month, I am thankful for digital cameras and social media. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to have seen (almost instantly) my nieces and nephew in their Halloween costumes even though they live on the West Coast and I live on the East Coast.

Boo — like their blurry face costumes?

I hid their faces — I don’t think that I have the right to share their precious, beautiful images on the world wide web. Trust me–they are the prettiest children in the world.

Check in tomorrow for more.

Just another Friday night in my (red)neck of the woods

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Time:  Early Friday evening

Scene:  Matt walks in the house while I’m walking on the treadmill, says “Hi”.  I get through walking about 10 minutes later and can’t find Matt anywhere in the house.

Txt to Matt:

Matt walks back in, rattles around in the kitchen, and starts toward the door again.  In his hands, he carries one (1) quart of moonshine, one (1) fifth of Crown Royal and some Solo cups.

Matt:  I’ll try not to burn anything down.

me:  Are you burning trash or dead limbs in the back yard tonight?

Matt:  No, I’m heading over to J.R.’s [our nephew who lives in the woods behind us] for a little while.

me:  Are you coming back [eyeing the alcohol]?

Matt:  Yes, later tonight.

Fifteen minutes later:  BOOM!  It was the sound of the “homemade” golf ball cannon being fired from J.R.’s house.

I turned up the volume of Prison Wives on TV.

Easing our way into the weekend, one redneck activity at a time.

Hell Yeah!

Source:  http://forums.jackcolton.com/showthread.php?1690-Favorite-quot-Motivational-Posters-quot/page3

A nice flower arrangement will be a gracious plenty.

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Dear Matt,
Please don’t love me this much.

Man Has Wife’s Vulva Engraved on Tomb

Appreciate it,

Cristy

Cat vs dog

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I posted this picture of my cat earlier this week, happy as can be relaxing in the garbage.

Thelma Lou in the Trash

Then I found this picture of a dog, happy in his relaxed position.

How Happy Am I?

Source:  http://www.aplacetolovedogs.com/2012/03/how-happy-am-i/1486629767/

 Cats are weird.  But they kill rodents, so I love them.  Dogs are awesome, so I love them.  I am a cat and a dog person.  Yay, me!

(How did this blog end up about me?  I may be a little self-centered.)

This Is Why You Should Have Good Health Insurance

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SCENE:  Matt and I are watching TV when this commercial comes on (for the gizzillionth time).

me:  I’m so glad that you don’t wear your hair like that guy.  Flopping over in your face.  It’s messy looking.

Matt:  I couldn’t wear my hair that way if I wanted to.  My hair is so curly.  It would just grow into a big ‘fro.

*silence*

Matt:  I guess eventually it would flop over when it got big enough.  Just from the weight.

me:  I can’t wait until you’re an invalid and I can let you hair grow.  I’m not going to cut it for months, years.

Matt:  (weird stare)

me:  I’m going to let it grow until I can see what it would look like all big and fluffy and floppy.  And you won’t care because you’re an invalid and you won’t be going anywhere.

Matt:  (weirder stare)

me:  But I’ll cut your fingernails and toenails.  I promise.

Matt:  You’re too good to me.