As a lifetime resident of the same state, I just spent my second Thanksgiving away from home. The first time was during my semester abroad when I had a good excuse for not flying home for Thanksgiving. This year, Matt and I decided to fly across country to visit my sister and her family.
I have only heard tales, urban legends, about holiday travel. The lines, the delays, the crowds, oh my. It wasn’t that bad, but I am very grateful that we got to see my sister and her family with relatively minor incidents. Some, though, are just worth repeating.
Scene: Flight from Charlotte to Salt Lake City; 7:30AM
I am reading my SkyMall magazine, doing what I always do–wondering if people actually order things from the SkyMall magazine, like the $300 Star Wars chess set.
Matt: They are taking us back to the terminal because there is a medical emergency on board.
me: Really? What’s going on?
Matt: See the guy two rows behind us? He’s unresponsive.
Flight attendants are standing around the guy, asking him, “Sir, sir! Can you hear me?” The guy said something that I couldn’t hear, but then I heard the attendant say, “How much did you have to drink?” It became clear that the guy was just stinking-ass drunk.
Drunk guy: I need to get to Seattle. I’m going to Seattle.
Attendant: No, we’re taking you back. You shouldn’t be on a long flight.
We waited and waited to go back to the terminal. Then they had to pull us to a gate and people with a wheelchair came on board to get the Drunk guy.
Attendant: Sir! Sir! Can you hear us? We need to get you off the plane.
Drunk guy: Where are we?
Attendant: We’re in Salt Lake City. You took quite a nap.
Drunk guy: I gotta get to Seattle.
Captain (of the plane, y’all): No, you gotta get off this plane. (You could almost hear the ominous music).
Attendant: Come on sir! (Pulling him up.)
Drunk guy: DON’T touch me! I’ll go with you, but don’t touch me.
It was the Perfect response. Have you ever noticed when someone is drunk and someone gets too close to them (in a non-sexual way), everyone always pulls out the “Don’t touch me!” line? Like, “hey, everyone….I’m being all reasonable and stuff and it’s this asshole who is touching me that is crossing the line.”
After they got the Drunk guy off the plane, they had to put more fuel in the plane because turning back to the terminal used so much fuel that we might not have made it to Salt Lake City. Wha? Isn’t that cutting it a bit close? I could have totally lived the rest of my life without that bit of information.
On my flight from Salt Lake City to Seattle, I sat beside an extremely gawky and large 12-year boy. He picked his nose a lot. Matt asked me what he did with his “findings” — I had to admit that I didn’t know because I was trying to avoid looking. I hope that he wasn’t flicking them my way.
Then the little girl sitting behind me threw up. A couple of times. It was righteous.
It was very wet in Seattle. A lot of rain. Did you know that they just voted to legalize marijuana? But I still had to go to the pharmacy to get my Advil Cold and Sinus with pseudoephedrine.
I’m a fickle dog person. Ashleigh and Dan have a French bulldog, Lola, and she was a sweetie pie. So, now I want a Frenchie. A bulldog, people. I’m too tired to be thinking about anything else.
This cracked me up. I could just see you and Matt through this whole ordeal. Thanks for sharing. Love you
There was a lot if eye rolling involved. The thing that we couldn’t understand was how anyone even noticed that this guy was in trouble. To us, he just looked like he was asleep. He wasn’t bothering anyone.
Yet there was some dude in first class who was hocking up pieces of his lungs, slowly, bit by bit. And they didn’t remove him from the plane. He was totally grossing me out. If they had asked the passengers to vote on who I remove, Hock Man would have gone before Drunk Guy.