Category Archives: Musings

JOYful holidays

Posted on by

4

This picture perfectly illustrates how I have felt about the holidays for, oh, about the last 20 years.  I saw this image on Pinterest the other day and I laughed out loud because it is funny, but then I started to think about how much I related to the picture.

I grew up in Christmas tree farm country.  Lots of people make their living growing and selling Christmas trees, so they are not just a tradition that brighten and decorate the house once a year, they are a source of income and security for lots of families.

I dated and lived with a Christmas tree grower for many years during my 20s, so I was a “Christmas tree widow” for 10 years.  And you really do lose your loved one to the fields during the harvest season — only about 6 weeks to make the income for the whole 52 weeks of the year.  The pressure is high and the work days are long.

And in the end, you get a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  They weren’t quite as bad as the one pictured to the left, but we always got the left over, culled trees.  The good trees were sold, not saved for the house.

These years began my disenchantment with the holidays.    Even after the Christmas tree grower and I finally split the Christmas tree ornaments for good, I had little joy in the Christmas season.

I would turn the radio station when Christmas carols came on;  I stopped getting a Christmas tree; I hated shopping for Christmas presents because of the crowds.  The only thing that I liked about Christmas was the reason behind it:  Jesus’s birth.

This year, however, ring the bells!  Ding dong!  The witch is dead.  Or, sticking with the theme, Scrooge has seen all three ghosts and converted.  I am actually enjoying this holiday season.  I enjoyed decorating the Christmas tree.  I even put lights on a tree outside!  Yesterday, I went to Wal-Mart and found myself dancing in the aisles to the cheery Christmas music on the speakers.  I realized what I was doing when I noticed that one little boy kept standing at the end of whatever aisle I was in, watching me.  Once I realized what he was doing, I put some extra wiggle and kick into each aisle.  I figured the kid should get rewarded (or punished depending on his point of view) for stalking me in Wal-Mart.

The difference in this year and past years — this year I’m not depressed.  That bitch disease has been stealing Christmas from me — depression is The Grinch!

I’ve gotten my Christmas present early this year — I’m dancing in the aisles again (literally).  I hope your presents are as awesome as mine has been.

Beauty isn’t always as plain as the nose on your face

Posted on by

1

I rarely get on soap boxes, at least publicly.  It’s just not my thing.  But there is one topic about which I am passionate — little girl’s self-esteem and the constant messages about what is “beauty” and “pretty” and “normal”.  If you’ve ever seen a three-year old little girl in a bathing suit, she is completely body unself-conscious.  Visit her again in about 4 years (6 if you’re lucky), and you will find a little girl who has already started to worry about weight, who has already started to compare herself to the other little girls to see if she “fits in.”

It makes me livid.  Because self-conscious little girls can grow into self-questioning little girls, into teenage girls with self-esteem issues, into girls that make poor choices in a desire to be accepted, in hopes of being thought pretty, in pursuit of fitting in.  And what rips me is just whose definition of pretty and fitting in and acceptance is it?  Whenever I look at a magazine or TV or any mass media, I want to take a Sharpie and draw bulges and lines where the model’s body really is, pre-Photo-Shopping.  I have two beautiful nieces, and I dread the time that they believe that the world’s expectations of beauty are based on photos of people who have themselves been altered to represent an unrealistic vision of beauty.

I am ranting based on my experience and my own non-scientific analysis of the world in which we live.  I haven’t read formal studies, but  I remember my own childhood.  I grew up in a very female-dominated atmosphere.  My mama had 6 sisters and, on most Sundays, the sisters and their families gathered at my grandparent’s house.  Thus, for the Sundays of my childhood, my cousins and I spent time in a house full of females, discussing their lives.  A common comment that we girl cousins heard from these aunts’ and mothers’ mouths was “I am so fat.  I need to lose weight.”

This statement was never directed to anyone else.  It was always self-directed and normally met with a chorus of “No, you don’t.”  Yet, the message that we heard was “Fat is BAD!  Bad. Bad. Bad.”

Regardless of the fact that we children were told “You are beautiful.  You do not need to worry about how you look.  You are beautiful”, it didn’t matter because our female role models were always talking about being fat.   I internalized that message and in talking to my sister and my female cousins, so did they.  My self-esteem about my looks suffers now because of this and because I am not 6’4″ tall and 95 lbs., which is the body type for all clothes.

My mama used to say “Pretty is as pretty does” — and it is so true.  But no one should think they are ugly.

As an additional thought, I have some songs that I think are good songs for sharing.  These songs underscore the beauty to be found in all “little girls”:

Who Says?

Selena Gomez & The Scene

Beautiful

Christina Aguilera

Free to Be Me

Francesca Battistelli

The Beauty in Ugly

Jason Mraz

Happy Girl

Beth Nielsen Chapman

Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful

Kellie Pickler

Ghost of Christmas future

Posted on by

5

I did our weekly grocery shopping yesterday and on the way out the door, I spotted what I thought was an “Angel Tree” for local needy children.  You know, pick an “Angel” with a child’s name and a list of the gifts that they want and / or need for Christmas.

Instead, this was a “Senior Tree”–a tree for needy senior citizens.  I had never seen such a thing.

I am always saddened by the Angel Tree kids that ask for notebooks and pencils, gloves, socks, a winter coat, all those things that seem like necessities and not like fun, playful gifts for Christmas.  I guess one version of Heaven will be a world where kids don’t have to ask for basics but can ask for (and get) frivolous gifts, gifts that they totally don’t need but just want.

The gifts that the Seniors asked for broke my heart as much as a kid asking for school supplies for Christmas.  I picked a senior named Sarah who asked for a sweat suit, some chocolate, some tissues and a soft blanket for her bed.

I went back to the store tonight to buy all the items for which Sarah asked.  And being a contemplative person, I naturally started to think about my (I-hope-I-have-them) senior years.

Matt and I don’t have any children, either with each other or with other people.  For me, a childless state isn’t something that I consciously chose–it just kinda happened this way.  One path taken, another path missed, a spell at this rest stop, and ta-da, before I knew it, I was in my late 30s, still single with no children.  Matt and I met; he reluctantly fell in love with me (I fell in love more willingly with him) and we married, but we both knew that at this point in our lives, we didn’t want to have children.

One of my greatest fears is that I will be old and alone.  I guess I could add at this point the cliché about having 30 cats, but I won’t.  (Well, actually, I just did, but I didn’t mean to.)  Who is going to take care of us when we get old?  Who is going to make sure that we are ok?  If Matt goes before I do, then I’m really going to be alone.  I really hope that I go first.  (Sorry, Matt, if that seems selfish.  It is, but I’ll be dead so you shouldn’t be mad at me.)

I hope Matt and I look happier than this when we're this old...

I hope Matt and I look happier than this when we’re this old…

Matt has wisely pointed out that having children doesn’t necessarily mean that you will have someone to care for or about you when you are old.  I know that.  But my imaginary children that I raise in response to seeing how poorly other people are raising their children are so well behaved that I just know that they would take care of us and love us and feed us and change us.  (My imaginary children also always do their homework, never talk back, obey without question, and respect me unreservedly.  I’m that good of an imaginary mother.)

It is very scary to think that in 20 to 30 years, somebody could be pulling a card off of a Senior Tree with the name “Cristy” on it.  Will they be as saddened as I was by Sarah’s card?  I’m going to start stocking up now on tissues and chocolate so that I can ask for some fun stuff.

Here’s my prayer:

If I ever have a card on a Senior Tree, Dear Lord, please let me have enough friends and loved ones to visit me and provide companionship, remember me on my birthday, buy me sweatsuits and food that I like, send me emails and letters, and remind me that I am loved so that I can ask on my card for:

  1. Dr. Dre headphones (to listen to my 80s-90s Rock w/o disturbing my roommate)
  2. Some exercise bands to stay in shape to fight the other women for the limited men at my age
  3. Good mixer to make mashed potatoes (to fight the other women for the limited men at my age)
  4. Two words:  PLASTIC SURGERY

Amen.

Pinterest is making me crazy

Posted on by

1

I am convinced that “another pinner says” is the new equivalent to “an unnamed source” — there may or may not actually be a person who tried that recipe, made that craft, used that home remedy to remove stains.  My guess is that in most cases, “another pinner” actually refers to some corporation or other invested party because some of these things DO NOT WORK and no actual person would recommend or pin or repin.

The alternative is that I am a bumbling, incapable individual.

This may be the ultimate truth.  I would like to believe that it is my Pinterest conspiracy theory and not a mid-life deterioration of my abilities.

CASE STUDIES:

Someone pinned this FABULOUS recipe with only TWO ingredients for AWESOME pumpkin muffins — canned pumpkin and yellow cake mix.  I have seen it pinned and repinned.  Potentially some of the grossest food I have put in my mouth.

TWO INGREDIENTS — how could I have messed it up?  But it sucked.  Yet it still keeps getting passed around the world of Pinterest.

Easy to make Christmas tree ornaments.  Three ingredients to make your own clay (corn starch, baking soda and water), shape and bake, then decorate.  Do it with YOUR CHILD!  How hard could it be (repeat: do it with YOUR CHILD!).

Here is photographic proof of how hard it was:

Matt walked in and said, “Those are some ugly cookies.”  I had to say, “No, those are some ugly Christmas tree ornaments.”

I’ve been making Christmas tree ornaments as gifts for the last 8 years.  None has turned out this bad — but this is the first year that I got the idea from Pinterest.  Coincidence?  I DON’T think so.

Am I the only one actually trying to make the items on Pinterest so am the only one seeing that the shit on there is just pretty to look at and not really do-able by the Average Joe?  If so, that’s ok, but let’s call a spade a spade.  Pinterest should be a website about things we dream of doing, cooking, making, seeing, tasting, reading, dating, wearing, decorating, living in, etc. but don’t have any intention of actually getting off of our asses and doing.  “My Wish (but will never do) List”

I would have saved a whole lot of time today.

My dreams are paying me back for being mean to rodents

Posted on by

2

I just spent the majority of the last 24 hours in bed with a migraine.  It sucks but is a fact of life for me.  Right now, I feel fine but weak.  Knock wood, this one is gone.

I had one crazy dream while I was asleep.  I am a vivid dreamer.  Sometimes I dream these really complex story lines.  I wake up and think, “Wow, if I could just write that down, I would make a million dollars from being an author.”  Sometimes, I compose music in my dreams.  It is always really beautiful to me.  For the first 10 minutes or so after I wake up, I can usually remember it, but then it is gone.  The 99% of my brain that I am not using is f’ing brilliant, people.  The 1% that I am using–meh.  So-so.

This afternoon, I dreamed that Matt and I went to this party.  It was what I would describe as “New Age-y”, if I ever got invited to a New Age party.  The hostess broke us up into teams and we played word games and such.  It was not a mix-n-mingle party.

The hostess, in my dream, had 5 pet squirrels.  When we finally broke for snacks, the 5 squirrels attacked me.  I learned (via my dream) that I can not protect my face from 5 squirrels.  Four squirrels, yes; but I am overwhelmed by five.

I never had an unhealthy dislike (or fear, it would seem) of squirrels until I met Matt.  He detests squirrels.  Hates them.  Tries to run over them with his car and laughs with glee when he is successful.  He deemed our wedding day a “lucky day” because they hit a squirrel on their way to the church.

I sent him this picture once that I found on the internets and it may be his favorite:

Another one bites the dust.

Now, my subconscious is paying me back by sending me dreams of squirrels attacking my face.  *sigh*  It’s true–no snarky deed goes unpunished.

______________________________

On a different note, I’ve been working on our Christmas card for this year.  I showed it to Matt tonight for his thoughts and we changed a few things around.  I dumped it into the cart for checkout and then had a reality check when I saw the final bill.

I love my friends and family, but I really don’t need to spend that much money so that you can get a Christmas card from me with our picture on it.  Do I?  I don’t think so…so, you’ll be getting regular, non-photo-ID Christmas cards from me.  Maybe with a picture of Jesus on them, instead.

Here’s a screen shot of what the card would have looked like so you don’t feel like it’s a total bag of coal Christmas.

Merry Christmas from the Elders (seems a little ridiculous to also sign)

Grateful that I don’t have to be grateful any more

Posted on by

3

Today I am grateful that it is not a law that I write a blog about being grateful every day.  It was sucking the fun out of writing a blog.  I was beginning to approach blogging like a chore, a drudge, a (*gasp*) job.  Enough’s enough!  This is supposed to be fun.  No more self-imposed blogging every day.  I’ll write when I have something to say, whether it’s interesting or not.

But I do have a month’s worth of things for which I am grateful.  I’ll just list them instead of writing about each:

  1. Family and friends
  2. Sister
  3. Chocolate soy milk
  4. antidepressants
  5. Elastic waist bands
  6. Digital libraries
  7. Harry Potter books
  8. air conditioning
  9. hugs from my husband

Actually, I’m having a hard time coming up with my list.  I think that I’m distracted by hunger because I just started to list “Cinnamon Life Cereal”….

I’ve had several bad days recently–no sleep, a cold, work-related stress.  I have a picture that perfectly expresses my mood.  It’s a picture of my roommate from freshman year in college, Grace* (*not her real name).  She was in the middle of what we called an “all-weeker” (instead of an “all-nighter”) during finals week.  I’ve never sympathized with Grace more than this past week.  I’ve wanted to give the whole world the bird.

Grace, I feel your pain.

Second Chances – Day 11

Posted on by

2

Today, I am grateful for second chances.  If some people had not given me a second chance, they would not be in my life now.  And vice versa.

What more can you say about second chances?  You really can’t, so I’m going to move on to another topic.

I’m having such a difficult time sleeping recently.  I have recently had a change in medication and I’m blaming that.  The result is that I am as exhausted as I have ever been.  I am so tired that I have actually become stupid.

I noticed it yesterday while I was getting my hair cut.  As the stylist was cutting my hair and trying to talk to me, I was having a hard time concentrating enough to come up with an answer to her questions.  A typical sentence would go something like this, “Matt bought a dirt bike [long pause] sometime this year and he wrecked it and he got hurt.  It was bad.”  This was in reply to the question, “Have you done anything fun lately.”

I’ve never been stupid.  I feel like I’m inhabiting someone else’s body.  Or really that my brain has been replaced with someone else’s brain.  Maybe I’ll try what George Costanza did in an episode of Seinfeld — if I give up sex, I’ll get smart.

This is a pretty lame blog.  I hope you will give me a second chance after I get smart again.

Gut Busting — Day 9

Posted on by

4

Today, I am grateful for belly laughs.  You know, those laughs that have you bending over, wiping tears from your eyes, putting up your hand, pleading “Stop! Stop!”.  Those laughs where you worry you’re going to pee your pants, where you do pee your pants.  Those laughs where you end up saying, “Whoo!  Oh my god, that was funny!”, and then you start to giggle again for several minutes.

I am grateful for those kind of laughs.  They cleanse.

Walking into my Surprise 40th Birthday Party!

Day 8 — Payday is Tomorrow

Posted on by

0

Today I am grateful that I have a full-time job.  A job that pays my bills and allows me to do extra stuff, like take a vacation to Ireland, use a Keurig for my coffee, buy organic milk at the grocery store and to go out to eat at restaurants when I feel like it.

In fact, I’m having dinner tonight with a friend that I haven’t seen in a few months (*waves* “Hi, Nikki”).

Source:  http://footage.shutterstock.com/clip-1974787-stock-footage-group-of-young-people-working-in-office.html

I’m grateful that I have a job that takes up so much of my time that I find it hard to write a grateful blog everyday of the week.

Elder grateful month — day 7 — written word

Posted on by

1

It’s been a week, 7 days, since I started blogging about one thing I’m grateful for per day and I’m beginning to wonder if a month is too long.  Maybe it should be Elder Grateful Semi-Month.  I’ve never written every day….this shit’s hard.

Regardless, today I am grateful for the written word.  Without it, I couldn’t tell you that this shit is hard unless you were sitting in the same room with me or we were on the phone together.  The written word, the ability to communicate through 26 little letters arranged to form words, astounds and humbles me.

I have always been a voracious reader.  Probably the biggest single milestone of my life was when I learned to read — it changed everything for me.  (Wow….I peaked at 6….)  From that point forward, my favorite thing to do has been to read.  I will read anything:  books, magazines, brochures, pamphlets, cards, whatever has words on it.  If there is a moment of down time, I’m looking for something to read.  I may learn something, pick up some new knowledge or entertain myself for a moment.  They were right!  Reading IS FUNdamental!

I can’t imagine life before the written word.  I’ve read (!!) about how many cultures and civilizations lasted for centuries with their mythologies and stories passed down from generation to generation simply through memory and story-telling.  How??  I can’t remember what to buy at the grocery store without writing it down and I buy the same stuff every week.  How did Gawain and the Green Knight survive the Dark Ages?

With the written word, we can share ideas, knowledge, facts or fiction without ever being located in the same place.  It can be shared over distant times.  A story can last forever.

That is simply ….. well, I just can’t find a word for it.  But it’s big.