I’m continuing to borrow a small piece of tradition during the Jewish New Year of 10 days of reflection and self-evaluation between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I hope that I don’t offend any Jewish people in taking this small piece of a tradition out of the greater context of the holiday and the meanings behind the overall traditions.
My question from the 10Q website today to help provoke thought was:
Question 2. Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you’re especially proud of from this past year?
While I may inwardly preen, it is actually hard to say out loud “I am proud of myself”. It’s not that I don’t do things for which I am proud — it’s that it feels boastful to say it out loud. I think that it’s a female thing. Or maybe it’s just me. Regardless, it’s not often that I say, “I did this, and I rocked it, and I’m proud of myself.”
But I will now.
I’m proud of the way that I handled finding out and then being in the hospital with my pulmonary embolism. Or my clotty clot clot, as I call it. For many days, I was scared, and tired, and in pain. And when I could finally stop being scared and was out of pain, I was just tired, and bored, and uncomfortable. It was a bad 6 days and 5 nights.
I could have had a major pity party, feeling sorry for myself, but I didn’t. I could have been grumpy and cranky, but I wasn’t.
You have very little control of anything when you are in the hospital. You eat when they bring you food. You take a shower when the nurses unhook you from all the machines long enough to take a shower. You sleep when they leave you alone long enough to actually sleep. You get information about your health when they are ready to give you information, and not one minute early.
I had control of exactly one thing — my reaction to the situation. My reaction could have been days spent in anger, frustration and crankiness. Or it could have been days spent with patience, calmness and laughter where I could find it.
I am proud that I chose the laughter.