Tweezing should be a chore, not a punishment

I found this on LaughingSquid.com yesterday:

Baguette Table

Baguette Table

A table made from stale baguettes!  I thought it was pretty cool looking.  I shared it with my roommate from college, who was also my main partner in crime during a semester abroad in Dijon, France, when we were young.  I posted it to Facebook and got the following comments:

Screen Shot 2013-02-13 at 8.15.41 PM

Betsy’s comment is quite accurate and I thought to myself “When faced with a baguette, who wouldn’t eat it?”  Then, I started to think, “When faced with a baguette, who wouldn’t eat it?”  What if you did have this piece of furniture and had to look at it daily and couldn’t eat it?  Having baguettes in your face all the time with no ability to scarf them!!  That, I thought, would be hell.

I use “that would be hell” as a figure of speech, but…I always have to take things to the next level.  So, I thought, what if Hell (the place, and yes, I do believe in capital H, e, double l) were made of punishments like this?  You know, little things that just frustrate the crap out of you?  What ifyYour existence was limited to always being in a perpetual state of pissed off, or uncomfortable, or irked.  I’m being very tongue in cheek with this, because I don’t really believe this is what Hell is, but I have developed a list of things that if I had to spend Eternity enduring, it would definitely be punishing.

If I Had to Spend Eternity Doing This, I Would Be in Hell:

  1. Shopping for groceries at Wal-Mart
  2. Driving behind a slow car in the left hand lane on the interstate
  3. Finding a chin hair but not being able to find any tweezers
  4. Having an unlimited supply of Raisin Nut Bran cereal but no milk
  5. Squatting over public toilets
  6. Prepping for a colonoscopy (drinking that nasty shit) (hey, just realized what a pun the use of “shit” was) (hey, just realized that’s two bathroom related hell-tasks in a row)
  7. Meetings
  8. On hold with the Time Warner Customer Representative / Billing Department at the hospital
  9. Wearing a white shirt with a big, wet coffee stain down the front
  10. Having baguettes in front of me but not being able to eat them (and you can add about a gazillion other foods, as well, except for peas)

If this is my Eternity, YUCK.

4 thoughts on “Tweezing should be a chore, not a punishment

  1. How about walking around with a chin hair you don’t know you have (bad lighting in the bathroom etc) but everyone sees as clear as day. And only after everyone in the world has seen it do you realize it is there. Or how about being in the hospital, maybe semi-comatose or with broken arms, knowing that you have chin hairs and not being able to do anything about it? Just as there should be a Hellish Eternisty list devoted to foods you are physically prevented from eating, there should be a not being able to pluck unsightly chin hair (especially if it has been noted by the world) list…. You started this!

    • I may have started it, but you have really taken it and made it your own!! I’m laughing (and cringing) at the “…being in the hospital, maybe semi-comatose or with broken arms, knowing that you have chin hairs and not being able to do anything about it.” As if having broken arms or being semi-comatose wasn’t bad enough, now I’ve got unsightly chin hairs to deal with!!

      What’s also funny is that my mom and her sisters have made pacts with each other that the ones who aren’t in the nursing home promise to go by regularly to visit the ones that are in the nursing home and pluck their facial hair!

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